Human Hormones Bad for Humans

by John D’oh!

We’ve heard about how detrimental synthetic hormones are in the food we eat, leading to early puberty, cancer and other maladies. But what about human hormones themselves?

Some SWDs (Scientists Without Degrees) speculate that our own natural hormones aren’t all that great for us either.

“Think about it,” one researcher said as he inhaled a foot long chili-cheese dog “every month your wife or girlfriend is afflicted for a good week by these raging chemicals. She can’t think, takes everything personally and dramatizes even the littlest thing out of proportion. This often leads to unnecessary arguments, hostility and resentments that are impossible to resolve.”

For men, the idea of applying rational thought as a means to state one’s position or resolve an issue is mathematically impossible says a consortium of SWDs.

“If you want to see a grown man cry, just watch as he tries to employ logic during one of these arguments…it’s actually pretty hilarious,” said one SWD, asking to remain anonymous.

One man cited how after he and his wife had their first child, she basically forgot about him entirely.

“I’ve pretty much just become her assistant,” the man said remotely.

On the other side of the coin, men aren’t immune to the negative effects of hormones either.  Besieged by the nasty chemicals as teenagers, their brains are essentially held hostage for a good 20 years.

Studies show men think about sex about every 5 seconds.  Billions of lost man hours have taken a devastating toll on the economy.

“Do you realize what shape this country would be in if we weren’t obsessed with T&A?” one economist pointed out. “Add up all the time trolling for porn on the internet and it’s a wonder we can get anything accomplished.”

“But just look at the beautiful humanity we’ve created,” gushed one bleeding heart liberal. “7 billion wonderful souls, building a monument to God as one.”

“Who’s going to feed all these ‘wonderful souls'”, the economist snapped. “Overpopulation: there’s another deleterious effect of hormones. Oy vey.”

“I love you my brother,” said the bleeding heart liberal as he tried to embrace the surly economist.

“Back off, m*therf*ucker!” said the economist, bending the man’s hand back in a painful self-defense maneuver.”

“Ow! Oooooowwwww!!!” yelped the liberal.

In summation: one wonders whether a humanity without hormones could even sustain itself and / or can sumpin’ be done ’bout it? Furthermore, why am I so tired all the time? The baby is sleeping through the night now but I still can’t seem to catch up on my shuteye.

Related articles

• Hormone Levels And Sexual Motivation Among Young Women (medicalnewstoday.com)
• There are Hormones in Meat!? (chicolockersausage.com)
• Milk. Drink Up. (everydayfamily.com)

I’d F*ck Me’: Mirror Man-Love

by Mark Simpson

Father of the ‘metrosexual’ and ‘retrosexual’; author, ‘Male Impersonators,’ ‘Saint Morrissey’ and ‘Metrosexy‘

WARNING: Hipsters and gay bears may want to watch this ad backwards.

I’m rather taken with this refreshingly direct ad currently airing on MTV for a Philips Norelco product that promises to “shave, style and groom.” You’d be forgiven for thinking, “And suck your cock.”

In the ad, a young man approaches the mirror, face and chest hidden by unruly red hair. He reaches for his versatile buzzing buddy. After tackling his face fuzz, he dispatches his chest rug, then his abs fur. As he “manscapes” himself into something sexier (to beardist, hairist me, at least), something pornier, his confidence improves, and he tells himself flirtatiously, “I’d catch some rays with me,” then, “I’d play beach volleyball with me,” and then the rather adorable, “I’d wear silly sun hats with me.” Finally, by the time he’s reached the third head on his humming grooming/sex toy, he’s openly turning himself on: “I’d f*ck me,” he says matter-of-factly, gazing at his own reflection.

And so would I, dear. So would I.

The ad is funny and memorable largely because it confronts head-on what too much advertising for men’s beauty products, particularly ones for the American market, try desperately to disavow, even as they’re exploiting them: male vanity and sensuality. The ad goes so far as to joshingly play with one of the scariest things for marketers about male narcissism: the way it can shade into male homoeroticism. An eye for male sexiness, even your own, might just turn into male sex.

If Men’s Health had been the client for this ad, the final line would have been cut at the first script meeting, along with the silly hat moment (too gay and too funny), and a glamorous beard (of the female variety) would have appeared in the final frame. And judging by their pointlessly puritanical covers of late, our chap would have had to wear a baggy, dark-grey T-shirt while shaving his chest.

Of course, it’s taken for granted that Philips’ young manscaper is talking about scoring babes, and his possibly slightly “douchey” auto-flirtatiousness, like the silly sun hat, is meant to be taken as proof that he is secure in his (metro)sexuality. But equally, he’s probably secure enough to experiment with a “different head” sometime.

Most of all, the ad communicates the importance of self-love and self-care in modern masculinity. If you want to score with the babes, you have to score yourself first.

Dutch-owned Philips have been a consistent trailblazer in regard to the modern male’s burgeoning desire to be desired, and his mania for mowing his man-garden. In the mid Noughties they introduced the historic Bodygroom. (I have one myself, with an extendable handle to reach my back. Oh, the horrors of middle age!) Their marketing campaign then was also humorous, but very coy, involving kiwi fruit and an ironically boring, unattractive man in a big, white dressing gown talking about the “optical inch.”

In less than a decade things have become a lot more explicit, probably partly as a result of the HD porn that young men download so much, which is, in turn, why they are so shaved and trimmed down below anyway. Marketing this new combined body groomer, beard trimmer and shaver, Philips clearly feel that they can be much more direct about the male body and its intimacies.

Take a visit to their “I’d FAQ me” website. You’re really getting right up close and personal as you zoom around and into this male model’s body.

Don’t know about you, but by the time I got to the end, I felt that for politeness’ sake, I should have at least offered the guy my number — or a Kleenex.

see on Huffington Post

Seven Reasons Your Career Has Stalled

Caroline Ceniza-Levine, Contributor

As a former recruiter and now executive coach, I have seen the arcs of thousands of careers. Some careers show constant forward momentum, while others languish. How do you feel about your career? If you suspect your career might be stalling, here are seven issues to explore:

1. You’re doing the wrong job. I worked with a client who was a beloved manager in his professional services firm but who got passed up for a partner role. He needed to do more selling and more thought leadership. Yet, he was still very hands-on with his clients’ day-to-day needs. If you’re great at doing a job that is not the focus of what you should be doing, then you will stall in that role.
2. You’re supporting the wrong people. This isn’t about being unsupportive or ignoring anyone. You want to be collegial and collaborative with everyone. However, you need to know who makes the career advancement decisions (about plum assignments, promotions, and raises), and make sure these people know your value. Your boss is hopefully part of this decision process, but s/he may not have enough influence or credibility. Therefore, confirm who does make these decisions, and focus your relationship-building on these decision-makers who can move your career.
3. You’re serving the wrong goals. Market conditions change, and business strategy changes accordingly. You might have thrived when your department was in heavy growth mode and still might be proposing new ideas, repeating what had benefited you before. But maybe your group is streamlining or in cost-cutting mode, and your creative ideas are irrelevant, or worse threatening. If you haven’t recently confirmed what is on your boss’ priority list, then you might be focusing on the wrong objectives.
4. Your salary has outpaced your value. If you have been at your employer for a while, your salary might have silently crept up above market value due to standard annual raises. Is your functional experience, institutional knowledge, and industry expertise worth your salary? Or are you just more expensive than someone with a few years’ less experience? Take an audit of the value you bring to the company, and make sure you’re not an easy target for the next restructuring.
5. Your value has outgrown your company. On the flip side, you might be a superstar performer but trapped in a company that can never accommodate your level. I once managed an individual contributor who was so talented she could have done my job (and in fact, she now has a bigger management job elsewhere). But she would never have gotten my job for reasons unrelated to her performance: the group was small and didn’t need another person at my level. The company tried to manufacture a meatier role for her but if she wanted that executive title (and she did and she deserved it), she had to leave.
6. You’ve stopped growing. Have you raised your hand for stretch assignments? Have you networked inside and outside your group to even hear about stretch assignments? Have you attended an industry-related event or conference in the last year? Are you up-to-date on trends, technological advances, and thought leadership in your area? Career advancement doesn’t just happen by clocking in time. You need to contribute value and increase your value over time by growing yourself and following emerging trends in your area.
7. You’re on auto pilot destination unknown. If this article is the first time you’re thinking about whether you’re doing the right job, supporting the right people and goals, and contributing enough value, then your career is on auto pilot. What you did before, even if it served you well, may not be relevant as market conditions change and companies respond accordingly. You need to regularly look at your career and proactively manage your work habits, your focus, your network, your skills, and your expertise.

A stalled career isn’t just about the person who wants to move up and has not. Maybe you don’t want a promotion. But your career still might stall if you become too expensive for where you are and find yourself restructured out of a role you loved. If you don’t want to move up, you can still focus on adding enough value right where you are to justify your salary. A stalled career isn’t about hating your employer. Maybe you love your company and accept you’re topping out but hoping things will change. It’s great to be happy where you are; just recognize that you’re taking a risk if your company doesn’t change to accommodate you. Whatever your career objectives are, your career will stall if you blindly work “hard” and assume that is enough. Instead, consciously navigate your career towards the goals you proactively choose.

Caroline Ceniza-Levine is a business and career expert, an independent film producer, and a stand-up comic. She is the author of two books: “Six Steps To Job Search Success” 2011, Flat World Knowledge; and “How the Fierce Handle Fear: Secrets to Succeeding in Challenging Times” 2010, Two Harbors Press. Caroline welcomes your comments and questions.

See on www.forbes.com