Hormone | MIDDLE-AGED MAN BLAH'G

by John D’oh!

We’ve heard about how detrimental synthetic hormones are in the food we eat, leading to early puberty, cancer and other maladies. But what about human hormones themselves?

Some SWDs (Scientists Without Degrees) speculate that our own natural hormones aren’t all that great for us either.

“Think about it,” one researcher said as he inhaled a foot long chili-cheese dog “every month your wife or girlfriend is afflicted for a good week by these raging chemicals. She can’t think, takes everything personally and dramatizes even the littlest thing out of proportion. This often leads to unnecessary arguments, hostility and resentments that are impossible to resolve.”

For men, the idea of applying rational thought as a means to state one’s position or resolve an issue is mathematically impossible says a consortium of SWDs.

“If you want to see a grown man cry, just watch as he tries to employ logic during one of these arguments…it’s actually pretty hilarious,” said one SWD, asking to remain anonymous.

One man cited how after he and his wife had their first child, she basically forgot about him entirely.

“I’ve pretty much just become her assistant,” the man said remotely.

On the other side of the coin, men aren’t immune to the negative effects of hormones either. Besieged by the nasty chemicals as teenagers, their brains are essentially held hostage for a good 20 years.

Studies show men think about sex about every 5 seconds. Billions of lost man hours have taken a devastating toll on the economy.

“Do you realize what shape this country would be in if we weren’t obsessed with T&A?” one economist pointed out. “Add up all the time trolling for porn on the internet and it’s a wonder we can get anything accomplished.”

“But just look at the beautiful humanity we’ve created,” gushed one bleeding heart liberal. “7 billion wonderful souls, building a monument to God as one.”

“Who’s going to feed all these ‘wonderful souls'”, the economist snapped. “Overpopulation: there’s another deleterious effect of hormones. Oy vey.”

“I love you my brother,” said the bleeding heart liberal as he tried to embrace the surly economist.

“Back off, m*therf*ucker!” said the economist, bending the man’s hand back in a painful self-defense maneuver.”

“Ow! Oooooowwwww!!!” yelped the liberal.

In summation: one wonders whether a humanity without hormones could even sustain itself and / or can sumpin’ be done ’bout it? Furthermore, why am I so tired all the time? The baby is sleeping through the night now but I still can’t seem to catch up on my shuteye.